The One With The Breakup
by Jana
Summary: Set 12 years from the end of the show. Chandler leaves Monica? Chapter 5 of 5. VERY short dialog-MOSTLY fic.
1. Chapter 1

The One With The Breakup

By: Jana

--"I will always care about you, but my feelings for you, have changed. They're not enough to sustain this level of a relationship."

"Please don't leave me. I won't be able to live through it. Please."

"You will. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for."

"No, please, I know- I know I won't. Just, tell me what I need to do, to keep you here. I'll do, anything. Everything. If you want to sleep with other people, you can, so long as you come home to me. If you never want to have sex with me again, fine, just, hold me in your arms at night until morning. Just, please, don't leave me."

"It's not about that."

"What about the twins?"

"I'll come by and visit them often, I promise. Every day, if I can."

"They're not going to want you to leave."

"I can't stay."

"Yes, you can! Whatever this is, we'll work it out!"

"It's not a problem to be solved, Monica. Feelings can't be solved."

"Chandler, I'm begging you. If you **ever** cared for me- If you ever **loved** me- If you care **at all** for me now, even in the slightest, you won't do this to me. To **us**."

"I **did** love you, and I **do** care about you, but to stay… it wouldn't be right. Not while I'm feeling like this."

"Are you in love with someone else?"

"No."

"We've been together 18 years! Fifteen in a marriage! You can't just throw that all away!"

"You think this is easy for me? You think I haven't been dreading this moment? You think it's easy for me to see you cry? It's not! But, I can't live like this anymore!"

"Like what? Haven't I been a good wife? A good mother to our children?"

"You're an excellent mother, and yes, you've always been a good wife."

"Then, whatever else, is workable!"

"No, it's not. I'm not in love with you anymore. I want to be. I've **tried** to be! But, I'm not. I haven't been for a while now. I'm just going through the motions of life now, and that's not enough. It's not for me, and it shouldn't be for you, either."

"But that's **not** what **I'm** doing! I still love you!"

"I'm sorry."

"Chandler, please. Please, God, please, don't do this."

"I have to. Let go of me, Monica, I have to go. The taxi's waiting."

"I can't. I can't let go of you. You'll have to physically remove me."

"Call the gang, Monica, as soon as I walk out the door. Promise me."

"Ok."

"You're going to be ok. I know you will. The hurt will ease in time."

"You only **want** to believe that, to make this easier on yourself."

"Maybe."

"My heart will never recover from this, Chandler. You've just sentenced me to death."

"Don't talk like that. This isn't the end of the world."

"It's the end of mine."

"I have to go--"

"Chandler! Please! Please. Don't. Please."

"Goodbye."

"**Chandler**!! God. Oh, God. God, please. **Nooo****…**"

**Author's Note:**

I've been dwelling on my husband leaving me lately, and had a dream an hour ago, that had the first four lines (of dialog) in this fic in it. I woke up abruptly, and this poured out of me.

This is not how my husband left me. He wasn't so kind. He told me he was leaving me in a phone call. Some of the begging from Monica, was from my real life nightmare, though. Pathetic, I know.

I wasn't planning on making this into a series, but if there is an interest in seeing it be one, I will see what I can do.

Still working on the next chapter of 'Big Secret', don't worry. Still in a bad place, and because of it, have had a touch of writer's block.

Please review, and MTLBYAKY


	2. Chapter 2

The One With The Breakup

By: Jana

Chapter Two

**XXX**

--Hysterical was the only word he could use to describe it. He'd never heard his sister sound so distraught. So out of control. Panic choked him, making speech difficult, not that he knew what to say.

"Monica!" Ross shot at her through the phone, "Calm down! Breathe! Or I'm going to have to call you an ambulance!"

"I can't live through this, Ross, I can't!" she wailed, the sounds of her sobbing ripping at his heart.

"I'm on my way, ok? I just have to make a quick stop off at my office and cancel my last class of the day, but, I'm coming to you, ok?"

"Why, Ross? Why? Why now? Why after all these years? I don't understand!"

"I don't know," he told her, pushing through the hallway full of students hastily, "But, we'll figure it out, ok? Where are the twins?"

"After school choir practice," she choked out. "They'll be another hour, at least."

Keying into his office, he snatched up the desk phone and dialed the number he knew by heart. "Monica, I'm calling Rachel right now, ok? **Don't** hang up! If you do, I'm calling you an ambulance, ok?" When she didn't respond, his heart skipped a beat. "Monica!"

"Ok," she whimpered, and he sighed with relief, putting the other phone to his other ear.

"Rachel Green's office," the cheery voice stated.

"I need to speak with Rachel," Ross announced, adding, "This is Ross, and it's an emergency."

Without another word, the phone clicked, and the ringing began again.

"This is Rachel Green."

"Rachel! It's Ross! How fast can you get out of there?"

Hearing the distress in his voice, Rachel's blood instantly ran cold. "What's wrong? Is it Emma?"

"Emma's fine," Ross answered. "It's Monica. Chandler left her today! She's completely lost it! How fast can you get to her?"

"Twenty minutes, if I leave now and speed."

"Do it!" he told her. "I'm ten minutes behind you!"

He hung up without saying goodbye, then turned his attention back to the cell phone that had Monica on the other end. "Monica? Rachel is on the way, and so am I, ok? I'm heading for my car right now."

"Ok," she squeaked out, falling silent, save her sobs and intense whimpering.

"Talk me through it, Mon," he asked of her, just trying to keep her talking. "What happened? What did he say?"

"He said he's not in love with me anymore. He said he hasn't been for a while. He said he's just going through the motions of life."

Sighing, frustrated, he asked as he keyed into his car and slid into the driver's seat, "Did he say where he was going? Did he take the car?"

"No. He called a cab."

Hearing the distinctive beeping in his ear, he groaned inwardly, telling her apologetically, "I have another call. **Don't** hang up, ok? I'll get rid of whoever it is and be right back."

"Ok."

Clicking the flash button, he snipped, "Hello?"

"It's me."

"Chandler? What the **hell** are you **doing**?!"

"She called you."

"I'm on the other line with her now," he told him, then angrily snapped at him, "What the **hell** is the matter with you?! Your wife is in hysterics! How could you just up and leave like that?!"

"I didn't call to fight. I just wanted to make sure someone was with her."

Something wasn't right, Ross could hear it in his tone. "I'm on my way to her now, and so is Rachel," he informed, then asked, "You're not doing anything stupid, are you?"

"Besides leaving my wife?"

"I was thinking, something more along the lines of, killing yourself," Ross answered hesitantly.

"No."

"Chandler, where are you?" Silence. "Chandler!"

"I just wanted to make sure someone was with her, ok? I gotta go."

"Chandler, wait!" Click. "Shit!" he cursed, then hit the flash to get Monica back on the line. "Monica? That was Chandler."

"Is he ok? Where is he? What did he say?"

The sound of desperation in her voice made him shudder. "He wanted to make sure someone was on their way to you." He took a deep breath to steady his nerves, then turned the car over, screeched out of the parking spot, and sped towards the street, one-handed.

"Where is he?"

"He wouldn't tell me," he answered, wondering if he should tell her how strange he sounded.

"I hurt, Ross." Her voice was barely above a whisper. "I know I can't live through this."

"Stop talking like that, ok? What about the twins? Do you know how devastated they would be if you died?"

"I'm not talking about physically dying, Ross. I'm talking about emotional death. My heart won't be able to recover from this. I love him too much."

"I thought the same thing, when Carol left me. I got through it, and so will you."

"No. I won't."

There was no point in arguing with her, he knew that. "Rachel should be there any minute."

"Ok."

"Mon, when he was leaving, how did he seem?" he asked carefully, not wanting to trigger additional worry in her, or give away where his thoughts were.

"What do you mean?"

"Was he crying? Angry? Sad?"

"Distant. Detached."

"Have you guys been fighting a lot lately?" he asked, trying to make sense of the situation.

"No. He's been distant, mostly, and we've had a few arguments, about finances, but no actual fighting."

Hearing sounds in the distance, through the phone, he asked, "What's going on?"

"Rachel's here."

"Put her on."

"Hey, it's me."

"Rachel," he sighed, relieved that Monica was no longer alone. "She's a mess, isn't she?"

"Yeah. She's pretty much fetal, on the floor by the couch."

"God! Ok, I'm about ten minutes away."

"Good. I called Phoebe and Joey from the road. They're on the way."

"Ok, good. I'm gonna get off of here. I'll see'ya in a few."

"Bye." Rachel clicked off the phone, then knelt next to Monica, whose only acknowledgement was to glance up at her. Putting her hands on her shoulders, she encouraged her to stand, then guided her towards the kitchen. "I'll make you some tea, ok?"

Monica nodded, barely, her sobs starting up again as she moved numbly alongside her friend.

"Tell me what happened," Rachel requested of her. "Start at the beginning."

**To be continued**

Author's note:

I will share more as the story continues, but I will say **this**… this story is **based** off my real life nightmare. In October 2004, my husband told me **over the phone**, that he was leaving me and wanted a divorce. Like Monica in this story, I completely lost it. I have always been referred to as a strong person, but when he said those words, and destroyed my heart… it's as close to a nervous breakdown as I have ever been.

In one review, it is said that Chandler would **never** leave Monica. I thought the same thing of my husband. You can't say never, because there's no way of knowing that for absolute. That being said, I would like to think he wouldn't leave her either, or if he **did**, he'd have a really complex reason as to why.

Some will probably not like this story… that's ok. I'm prepared for that. I'm writing this story for cathartic reasons, mostly, and understand that the sheer emotion of it might not be to some people's liking. But, like all my stories, it's in me, wanting to come out, so, that's what I'm doing. I'm setting the story, and all the emotions tied up with my real life, world-ending trauma, free.

This will be a dialog **mostly** fic.

Reviews are always appreciated.

MTLBYAKY


	3. Chapter 3

The One With The Breakup

By: Jana

Chapter Three

**XXX**

--Everyone gathered around her, offering her support, allowing her to grieve and consoling her as she did.

"Were there signs that this was coming?" Phoebe asked.

"Not really," Monica answered. "He's been distant, since he lost his job at the ad agency, and had to take an entry level job, back at his old work, but, other than that…"

"Were there any other signs? Like, what about, in the, **love**, department?" Phoebe asked hesitantly.

"Like I said, he's been… distant."

"For, how long?" Rachel asked, wincing.

"He hasn't touched me in almost a year," Monica answered, dropping her head to the dining table when everyone gasped.

"Honey, why didn't you talk to us about this?" Rachel asked.

"It's embarrassing," Monica answered.

"Do you think he's having an affair?" Joey asked.

Monica shook her head. "He said he wasn't. And, there's no time unaccounted for. His paychecks reflect the hours he works, and he doesn't go anywhere besides work."

"I'm going to try and call him again," Rachel offered, pulling her cell phone out of her pocket and hitting the memory dial number, then 'send'. After a moment, she shook her head. "Still goes straight to voicemail."

The sound of Jack and Erica walking through the door caught everyone's attention, and all but Monica and Rachel sprinted out of the kitchen and into the livingroom to run interference.

"I don't want them to see me like this," Monica said, new tears welling and falling, blending with the old.

"They won't," Rachel soothed. "Joey will take them out for a while, so we can sort all this out, ok?"

Monica only nodded. Within minutes, Ross and Phoebe were back in the kitchen. "Do they suspect something is wrong?" Monica asked.

"No," Ross answered. "They're excited about spending time with Uncle Joey."

"Ok," Monica whispered.

Ross' cell phone ringing caused everyone to jump, including Monica, and he shrugged in apology before fishing it out of his pocket, checking the caller ID as the musical ringtone continued.

"It's Chandler," he said, then without hesitation, clicked it on and started yelling. "This is ridiculous, Chandler! You need to come home and work this out! You can't just bail like this! Whatever the hell problem this is, you can at least **try** to work it out! You owe it to Monica! You owe it to your kids!" Silence. "Chandler?"

"Is everyone there?"

"Everyone but Joey," Ross answered, looking around the room at the others, his expression depicting confusion.

"Where's Joey?"

"Out with the twins. Monica didn't want them to see her like this."

"Yeah, ok. Good thought. Thanks for being there for her. How is she?"

"How the hell do you **think** she is?" Ross snapped. "She's a mess!"

"Yeah."

Ross' look of anger softened once again. "Chandler, where are you?"

"At a motel near my work."

"Which motel?" Ross asked. Silence. "Chandler, which motel?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Look, we need to talk, ok? We need to get some things straight. If you care at all-- If you **ever** cared about Monica, you will tell me where you are!"

"Motel Six, on Sanderson. Room 132."

"I'm on my way." Ross hung up without saying goodbye, then turned to face his sister and friends. "I'll see if I can get to the bottom of this."

"Want company?" Phoebe asked, but Ross shook his head.

"Stay here with Monica. I can handle Chandler."

"Promise you won't hit him," Monica requested.

Reluctantly, Ross nodded. "Ok. I promise. Guys," he said to Phoebe and Rachel, "Walk me out?"

"Something isn't right," he told them in a whisper, once at the front door. "He sounds like hell. Like he's been crying."

"Why would **he** be crying," Rachel asked, "If **he's** the one that left **her**?"

"Exactly," Ross agreed simply. "Look, try to encourage a good outcome on this, ok? But, don't sell it as fact."

They both agreed with a nod, to which he gave an upnod and left.

**XXX**

--He looked as bad as he sounded, Ross noted, walking through the door when Chandler moved back inside.

"You look like death," Ross announced, asking, "What the hell is going on?"

"I doubt I could add anything to what, I assume, Monica has already told you," Chandler muttered, dropping his body heavily onto the bed in the room.

"I know what **she** knows. I want **your** side of this."

"Look, I just don't feel the same way about her, ok?" Chandler snipped, avoiding eye contact.

Ross could just sense it wasn't that simple. "Well, ok then, how **do** you feel about her?" Chandler just shrugged. "You know, in time, all the passion and heat dies down, and what you're left with is respect, and affection, and teamwork--"

"It's not about that," Chandler interrupted.

"Then, what's it about?" Ross asked.

"It doesn't matter."

"It matters!" Ross snipped, his anger flaring. "It matters that your wife is beside herself with grief! It matters that you just up and bailed on a marriage, with no real warning! For reasons you can't even explain! You need to get your head out of your ass and get yourself back home!"

"I can't do that."

"Yes, you **can**! Whatever the problem is, you need to at least **try** to work it out!"

"No."

"You could try counseling!"

"Going to a counselor isn't going to change things."

"Ok, you know what? That's enough of this shit! Stop being a jackass and get your **ass** back home!"

Eerily calm, Chandler said as he stood, "You **should** hate me. Convince Monica to. It'll make this easier on her." Inches from disappearing into the bathroom, he added, "You know where the door is."

Ross watched him close the door, obscuring him from sight, then growled in frustration as he marched out the door, heading back for Monica's house.

**To be continued**

Author's note:

In my real life nightmare, there was tons of time unaccounted for, where my husband would be gone for days (at Renaissance Faires). Though he denies it, rumor and circumstantial evidence points to him having affairs. At least two, with an attempt at a third. He withdrew affection of all types from me, and I would actually place his hand on me while he slept, just to have some kind of connection to him.

My husband became especially distant, in the last 2 and a half years of our marriage, after my mom died, after he lost his job, and after he was accused of a crime he didn't commit. I offered to lend my ear to him constantly, I tried to get him to open up to me, but he never would.

My sister was my support during the minutes, hours, days, and weeks after he left, As Ross and the friends are to Monica in this story, and still is to this day, but she never tried to convince him to come back to me.

At this point in the story, we're starting to get into dreams I'd had, rather than actual factual events.

Reviews are always appreciated.

MTLBYAKY


	4. Chapter 4

The One With The Breakup

By: Jana

Chapter Four

**XXX**

--Ross entered the house, immediately being greeted by Rachel and Phoebe.

"Where's Monica?" Ross asked.

"She's resting," Phoebe answered. "She cried herself into a migraine, puked from the pain and stress, then went to lie down."

"Were you able to get anywhere with Chandler?" Rachel asked.

Shrugging, Ross answered, "I don't get it. Something doesn't add up. He looked like death, like he's been crying just as hard as Monica has been, but he **refuses** to come back and **try**!"

"Did he say why he's doing this?" Phoebe asked.

"Not really," he answered. "Just that he doesn't feel the same way about her anymore, but when I tried to get him to elaborate, he said it didn't matter."

"Hey!" Joey exclaimed as he walked through the front door and saw Ross, "The girls said you went to go see Chandler! How'd it go?"

"Not good," Ross answered. "He's refusing to come back home."

"Well, did you **at least** get to the bottom of **why** he's doing this?" Joey asked.

"Not really. He wouldn't explain himself. Where are the twins?" Ross asked.

"At your dad's," Joey told him, adding, "Don't worry, I didn't tell him what was going on."

Ross' cell phone ringing startled him, and as he dug into his pocket for it, Rachel asked, "Is it Chandler?"

Looking at the caller ID, he nodded in answer before clicking it on. "Hey."

"Hey. How's Monica?"

"She's resting now, after crying herself into a migraine and puking," Ross answered; he could've sworn he heard a tiny sob in response.

"The twins still out with Joey?"

"No, they're at my dad's. We didn't tell him what's going on, though. Just that you and Monica needed an evening alone."

"Alright."

Ross covered the mouthpiece of the phone, whispering, "He sounds worse than before," then, back on with Chandler, said, "C'mon, man, you look and sound like hell! You're killing your wife! Why are you doing this? Just, come home, and we'll all sit down and try to figure out a solution, ok?"

"I can't. I have to see it through. I can't turn back."

"What are you talking about?"

"I don't even know anymore. It all made sense at the time. As much as such a thing **can** make sense."

"Chandler," Ross sighed, "Would you just **stop** being so pigheaded about this and, just, come home?"

"I can't."

Click.

"Chandler? Chandler?" Ross sighed heavily and shoved the phone back in his pocket roughly. "He hung up."

"What did he say?" Phoebe asked.

"He said he doesn't know what he's doing. That it all made sense at the time, as much as something like this **can** make sense."

"This is seriously messed up!" Rachel announced.

"You know what it sounds like?" Phoebe asked. "It sounds like he's depressed."

"Ok, you know what?" Ross asked, taking charge. "This is insane! I'm going back to that motel, and I'm bringing him **back**, whether he wants to come back or **not**! Rachel," he asked of her, "Stay here with Monica. Joey, Phoebe, you guys come with me."

**XXX**

--"Chandler! We know you're in there! Open the door!" Ross yelled as he pounded on the door to room 132. "I swear to God, Chandler, if you don't open this door, we'll have the front desk call the police and **they'll** come **break** it down!"

The door flew open, Chandler's back to them as soon as they stepped inside. When he finally turned around, Phoebe gasped at the sight of him. The absolute depiction of a man in misery, his face distorted in pain, his eyes red and puffy from crying. Phoebe took a step towards him, to offer comfort, but he held his hand up to stop her.

"I don't deserve your sympathy," Chandler told her, dropping onto the bed, his eyes downcast.

"Chandler, what's going on? Talk to us!" Phoebe asked, kneeling at the foot of the bed, very near him.

"Ask Monica."

"I know **that** version," Phoebe told him. "I want to know the truth."

"Knowing won't change anything."

"It might."

Chandler shook his head, his hands moving to cover his face. When sobs started to wrack his body, Phoebe reached out, placing her hand on his knee.

"Talk to us," she asked again, firmer than before.

"I failed her! I failed my family! I couldn't give her a baby of her own! I'm a lousy supporter! I quit my stupid job, get another job for far less pay, then lose **it**, just to be back at square one again at a job I hate! Which I never should have left to begin with!"

"It was all a lie, wasn't it?" Phoebe asked softly. "You're still in love with her, aren't you?" Chandler nodded, almost imperceptibly. "You only said all that, so she would hate you, and make it easier for you to leave, right?"

"I knew it wouldn't be easy, I just didn't expect it to be this hard."

"Chandler," Ross spoke up, "You're not a failure! No one thinks so, least of all Monica. She loves you! She knows how hard you've tried--"

"She deserves better," Chandler interrupted. "She deserves better than **me**."

"Chandler, you know what this is, don't you?" Phoebe asked, but upon getting no response, told him, "You're depressed! You shouldn't be **leaving** your wife! You should be **clinging** to her! And seeking help! You need to get your ass back home, and first thing tomorrow, you need to call and make an appointment to see a psychiatrist! Or, at the very least, a therapist!"

"I can't go home, Pheebs. I made sure of that."

"What do you mean?"

"The things I said to her, I said to ensure I **couldn't** go back. She hates me now. Or, at least, if not **now**, she **will**, when the shock wears off and all I said sinks in. She **should** hate me," he muttered, adding despondently, "**I** hate me."

Having heard enough to know the next best course of action, Ross grabbed Chandler's arm, forcing him to stand. "Ok, Chandler, that's enough of this! You don't want this anymore than Monica does! You're going home to your wife--!"

"I **can't**!" Chandler shot back, yanking his arm out of Ross' grasp. "I can't be who she deserves! I've tried! Lord knows I've tried! But, I just keep **failing**!"

"Chandler," Joey finally spoke up, "If you were lying on the sidewalk bleeding to death, and told us to **not** call you an ambulance, we wouldn't listen, cause it would be obvious to us that you don't know **what** you need! It's like you're bleeding right now, and we're not just gonna sit here and do nothing, and watch you die! Now," he added, almost angrily, "Get in the car under your own steam, or Ross and I will pick you up and throw you in!"

His head hanging low, Chandler sighed as he pointed blindly to the corner where his suitcase sat, still packed. As Ross moved to grab it, he asked, "What do I even say to her?"

Guiding him towards the door, Phoebe answered, "Start with, I lied before."

**To be continued**

Author's note:

About six or so months before my husband left, he told me that maybe I would be better off without him. He was out of work, the court stuff connected to the false charges were still pending, and he was obviously feeling depressed and despondent by it all. I begged him to seek professional help. I begged him to let me help him, but he just shut me out. I knew he was distancing himself, but I always thought he would return to me, in time.

My dreams in the first few weeks and months, were about **this** as a scenario, for why he left, and that he would come back to me when he realized he still loved me. This never happened.

One more chapter after this. I know they are insanely short (especially compared to some of my other fics), and I apologize for this. I never intended for this to be a long series.

Reviews are always appreciated.

MTLBYAKY


	5. Chapter 5

The One With The Breakup

By: Jana

Chapter Five

**XXX**

--Chandler walked through the door behind Ross, Phoebe and Joey closely following, bringing up the rear; when Rachel came into view, and she gasped, it instantly caused his guilt to prickle.

"Are they back, Rachel?" Monica called from the kitchen, entering the livingroom a moment later. Upon seeing him, she stopped dead in her tracks, leaning against the jamb of the kitchen door as she grew weak with overwhelming emotions.

"Hi," he whispered, looking away when he saw the tears spill onto her cheeks.

Hesitantly at first, she stepped towards him, until she was a few feet away. Breaking down, she rushed into his arms, whispering against his chest, "You're back?"

Nodding, he whispered as he held her tentatively, "I lied before. I'm still in love with you."

Crying harder, the sobs starting all over again, she asked, "Why would you lie about that?"

Before he could answer, she pulled back and hit his upper arm, asking again, "Why would you **lie** about something like that? Why did you **do** this?"

As pain turned to relief, it morphed into anger, and she released it, the only way she knew how in that moment.

"What the hell is the matter with you?" she snapped, hitting him again, then again and again as she continued yelling at him. "What the **hell**, Chandler! Fuck! What the fuck!"

With the exception of guarding his face, Chandler did nothing to stop her, allowing her to unleash on him, whispering several times throughout the assault, "I'm sorry. I'm **so** sorry."

"Do you have **any** idea what you put me through today?!" she shouted as she hit him. "I thought I was going to lose my mind!" Another hit. "It felt like I was having a nervous breakdown!" Another hit.

"Ok…" Ross finally stepped in to stop his sister's attack, grabbing her wrists gently and pulling her off of him.

"I wanted you to hate me," Chandler told her, slowly lowering his arms from his face. "I wanted you to hate me as much as **I** hate me."

"What are you talking about?" she asked him, relaxing, Ross cautiously releasing her when he felt her do so.

"I'm a failure, Monica! I tried! But, I just couldn't do it! My best, just **isn't** good enough. My best sucks. You're better off without me, Monica. I said all those things earlier, cause I wanted you to hate me. Cause, maybe, if you hated me, me leaving wouldn't hurt so much."

"Chandler," she whispered, "That's **insane**!"

Shrugging, he said, "Maybe I **am**. Insane, I mean. I think I need to see a shrink or something," he added, sighing deeply.

Monica stared back at him for a long moment, then turning to her brother and friends, said, "Thank you, guys, for everything today, but, I think we need to be alone now. To talk all this through."

They agreed with various brief comments, nothing seeming quite appropriate under the circumstances. As soon as they left, Monica faced Chandler. It was surreal, how awkward she felt in his presence.

"Come into the kitchen," she finally asked of him. "I'll make us some coffee."

Nodding, he let her lead, following close behind. Sitting at the table, he watched her in silence, finally whispering after what seemed like hours, "I really **am** sorry." She only nodded in response. "Not only am I failure as a husband and a father, I'm a complete idiot."

"You're not any of those things, Chandler," she sighed, moving to join him when she was finished getting the coffee started.

"I actually thought if I said all those things to you, you would hate me. I had no idea you would lose it like that."

"You completely blind-sided me, Chandler. I mean, I know you've been distant lately, but, I didn't see this coming."

"I only **just** decided to do this, two days ago. I knew, if I didn't just **do it**, I wouldn't have the guts to."

"Do you know why I lost it so badly today?" He shook his head. "Because, I **love** you! The idea of losing you terrified me!"

"You're such a strong woman, Mon. You wouldn't die, without me. You would be able to heal and move on."

"Maybe. But I don't want to test that theory. You're inside me! Part of me! You walking out that door, it was like a vital organ was being ripped from me, killing me."

"How can you still love me? After all my failures?"

"What failures, Chandler?"

"I couldn't give you a baby of your own! I would hear you crying in the night, because you couldn't conceive a baby… it killed me a little each time! I quit my stupid statistical factoring job without even consulting you first! Then, **you** had to support **me**, when I couldn't get anything but an unpaid internship! When I got the researchers job, I thought, **finally**, I'm doing something I love **and** I'm a productive member of the household!"

"But then you got fired," she interjected. "That's when it started going downhill for you, isn't it?"

He only nodded in response.

"Chandler, it was **both** of us with the infertility problems! And problems like **that**, aren't anyone's fault! It wasn't a failure on your part, or mine! It was just, one of nature's cruelties! And I never cared that you quit the job you hated! I was **glad** you did! Every time you left for Tulsa, it was everything I could do not to cry! When you got fired from the ad agency, sure, I was concerned about our finances, but I never thought you a failure for it! Downsizing happens!"

"If I had been better at my job, they wouldn't have let me go! People who had been there for a lot less time got to stay! And now, I'm back at a job I hate! For a lot less money! Back at the bottom of the seniority ladder! We've had to borrow from your dad! From Ross! Even from Joey! Just to keep afloat! And it's not **their** job to keep us afloat! It's mine! And yours, but you're keeping up your end of things! It's all back on **me**! Me, and my poor skills as a husband! And provider!"

"Chandler," she sighed, "Who held me when I cried, when attempt after attempt to conceive failed? **You** did! Who went back to a job he hates, when money was getting tight and bills were overdue? **You** did! Who stayed up with Jack and Erica when they had the chicken pox, and couldn't sleep cause of all the itching? **You** did!"

"God, Monica," he groaned, his head on his arm, his arm on the table, "I'm **so** fucked up right now!" Lifting his head, he asked, "Why are you doing this? Why are you trying to get me to see the good in me, after what I put you through today?"

"Because, Chandler, I love you! Because today, was a mistake. Because you came back. Because you're reaching out to me, and looking to get help. Because, we're in this together."

"If I start seeing a counselor, will you come with me?"

"If?"

"When."

"Absolutely. Bottom line here, Chandler, is, do you love me?"

"Yes. I do. I'm sorry I said I didn't before."

"About before… some of the things that I said to you--"

"You were just overwhelmed. And emotional. I know you didn't mean it."

"I meant some of it."

"Ok. What did you mean, and what **didn't** you mean?"

"I meant it when I said I wouldn't be able to live without you. I **didn't** mean that it was ok for you to sleep around with other people."

"Someone will have to break the news to Joey then." She scowled back at him. "Too soon to joke about it?" When she nodded, he changed the subject. "Are Jack and Erica staying at your dad's tonight?"

"Yeah. It'll be good for him. He's been so lonely, since Mom died."

"Can we- Can we, just, go to bed, and hold each other? Till we fall asleep?"

Nodding, she said, "After today, I think we should wait on doing anything more than that."

"I agree." He stood, extending his hand, and when she took it, he helped her to her feet. "I love you. I hate myself for what I did to you today."

"If **I** can forgive you, you can forgive **yourself**."

"Maybe that should be the first thing we discuss in therapy."

She nodded in agreement, wrapping him in a hug. "Depression, mid-life crisis… whatever this is, we'll get through it together, ok? Remember? For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health?"

"We never took those vows. We wrote our own."

"It was implied, when Joey asked, do you take each other? Maybe we oughta ask the therapist, how you can joke, even when in crisis."

"Sorry. I guess I'm just nervous."

"Why are you nervous?"

"I don't know how to explain it."

"Something else to bring up in therapy. Maybe we should be writing this stuff down, so we don't forget something once in there."

The sound of the phone ringing startled them, and Monica slipped out of Chandler's arms as she moved to answer it. "Hello?"

"Hey. It's me."

"Hey, Ross. What's up?"

"I know you're busy, I just, wanted to check in with you. Are you guys ok?"

Monica smiled for the first time in hours. "We will be."

**The End**

Author's note:

In real life, I didn't get a happy ending. I guess that's part of the reason why I wanted to continue this story to **this** conclusion. A sort of recognition, to the way I **wished** things had gone in my own life, in the days and weeks following his leaving. I don't wish for this conclusion anymore. Even if he wanted to come back, which he doesn't, I could never take him back. He's changed way too much. The man I fell in love with, no longer exists. I miss the man he used to be.

It's hard, when you're grieving the loss of someone, as if they've died, when they're not physically dead. It's hard to see him, and talk to him, because he looks and sounds like the person I once knew and loved. I have to remind myself that on the **inside**, he's not that man anymore.

I recently asked him, in an attempt to obtain some kind of closure, if he ever regretted hurting me. He said he **does** regret it, but didn't see any other way.

Thanks for reading. Reviews are always appreciated.

MTLBYAKY


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